Because of what I did

She’s been in PRISON for two years because of what I did. Nine more to go. All I can think of is her. And, believe me, I do not think much these days as time, space, and reality ultimately do not reach me anymore.

Her and her sweet smile, her hugs, the immense unconditional love she always gave me, her kisses, adventure stories, weird jokes, loud laugh, and crazy dance moves. The many languages she spoke, and how much I still admire her for that. The sound her heels made when she sneaked back into her room at 5 am- once per week when she was a teenager. Our parents never found out; I will never tell. The lessons she always wanted me to learn, the delicious meals, our precious moments composing, singing, and mostly laughing. Our trips, multiple fights, and everything else in between that I now miss--tremendously. All those memories now float around my infinite and yet peaceful existence.

I imagine her busy winter, spring, summer, and fall days and dream of her enjoying them, wearing her hair up, always up no matter what. Her feminine and colorful dresses, and the iconic red lipstick, which tastefully complements her skin. I remember when I used your red lipstick to write all over your Barbie Superstar; I am sorry for that too.

Why don’t you ring me anymore? Nobody has called me ‘little rabbit‘ since we last spoke. I miss you too...

I hear you speaking to me. But, if you ever stop, I won’t blame you. I see you sitting on that stupid chair; I sense you when you suddenly cry uncontrollably and wish to disappear. I understand you sometimes, often times, many times wish you would cease. I feel you faking a smile when you tell your friends you are doing OK while skipping one or two seconds of breath.

Remember that trip you wanted us to take? I wish I had gone with you. I am sorry that, instead, I am now gone. I never told you how lucky I always felt to have you in my life, in my blood. I never thanked you for everything. Now I can only beg for your forgiveness. I know you never expected this of me; I know you believed I was as strong as you are.

If I had known I would put you in infinite prison my lovely sister, I would have never JUMPED. It may comfort you to know that I- your stupid bro- can finally and limitlessly spread my wings, and fly.